Asking Eric: Once again, my parents have hijacked my birthday and made it about them

Dear Eric I m lucky enough to have parents in their s in pretty good fitness and who are celebrating their th anniversary next month The issue is that they want to celebrate it on my birthday Related Articles Asking Eric How can I spend my new money and still keep it a secret from my friends Asking Eric She chose a hurtful way to let me know I can t come to the wedding Asking Eric Why won t my kids ever come home in the summer Asking Eric I made a big mistake in getting a dog Asking Eric They revealed me to child services Should I assessment their situation as well The expectation is that I drive two hours to celebrate them all day doing whatever they ask of me then drive two hours to go home Their actual anniversary is a minimal days before my birthday and they don t see an issue that I d like to have my birthday acknowledged ideally I could make plans myself This is not the first time they have hijacked my birthday or any other day and they get extremely upset borderline abusive when I say I want their party to be on another day I feel like a prisoner but they are Do I just suck it up and lose another birthday I feel like I don t matter Middle Child Dear Middle Child Sixty years of marriage is a essential and rare milestone one that ought to be celebrated Initially I thought What s stopping this letter writer from sharing the birthday and being with family But there are parts of this letter that make me concerned this issue is about more than just what your plans are For instance you write that your parents have become borderline abusive when you ve pushed back on plans before You write that you feel like a prisoner So this isn t just a event of an overcrowded family calendar There s something amiss in your relationship I m curious where your siblings are in this I m curious what you d like to do on your birthday and options that your family might make you feel special even if you did do the actual celebration on another day If this is bothering you this much it s worth saying something to your parents about it Even if you re still planning to come to help them celebrate you can and should speak up beforehand about what you need If it feels to you that they ve hijacked your birthday explore that and try to find what can be remedied by them and what s yours to work through Preponderance importantly keep yourself safe If your relationship with your parents is contentious or abusive you don t have to go Or you can set a limit for how long you re going to stay And no matter how long you stay if you go at all make sure you do something special for yourself with people you like and who value you Even if it s not on your actual birthday make time to show up for yourself Dear Eric As kids we went to the cemeteries with our parents and grandparents every year before Memorial Day There are three cemeteries with family members and I remember all of us working on each plot every year planting flowers digging weeding then going out for lunch All this takes preparation then daily weekly care Now our parents and grandparents and others are buried and I am the only one of the five kids who decorates and cares for the graves My kids and their spouses and children joined my wife and I to prepare the sites and planted selected perennials Now the sites still need hanging plants and other flowers and watering often and weeding occasionally This happens every year It sure makes me sad to go there and see nothing has been done except by me I guess I don t feel I should have to ask for help It is expensive and time-consuming We sure would love to see flourishing plants and no weeds Tired of Tending Dear Tired This is a beautiful tradition for these sites of memory and it clearly holds a lot of meaning for you It s great that you ve involved your children and grandchildren as well to keep the tradition alive Sometimes when we have a need that s gone unmet the only way forward is to ask for it So while you shouldn t have to ask for help doing so may ease your stress Related Articles Harriette Cole My mom and I are offended by the birthday party snub Miss Manners These college students seem stunned when someone wants to get off the bus Dear Abby The secret about my husband has turned my world upside down Asking Eric How can I spend my new money and still keep it a secret from my friends Harriette Cole I feel like she s using me as a prop for her online persona It may also alert your siblings to an opportunity for amenity that has slipped their minds While this is a longstanding tradition in your family it s workable it doesn t hold the same weight for your siblings as it does for you So talking to them about what it means to you and asking for their assistance could be an invitation for them to dig deeper as it were Now when you do this you should also be prepared for the possibility that the extensive work you do planting and maintaining the plots isn t something that they want to take on They may prefer a more trimmed-back horticultural plan Everyone commemorates their loved ones in different methods Try to be open to smaller tasks that they might take on as well Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com